


Absolutely Exquisite

by Whedonista93



Category: NCIS, The Addams Family (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Backstory, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Episode Related, Episode: s02e22 SWAK, F/M, Rare Pairings, Wednesday is Wendy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:11:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21316972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whedonista93/pseuds/Whedonista93
Summary: He ends up on a tangent about honey dust. “You apply it with a feather."Kate chuckles. “You don’t use the whole chicken?"“Only when my wife asks nicely.” Tony snarks back.
Relationships: Wednesday Addams/Anthony DiNozzo
Comments: 36
Kudos: 572





	Absolutely Exquisite

**Author's Note:**

> Canon compliant up to S.W.A.K. (2x22)
> 
> As always, so much love to the world's best beta! aggiepuff

“Who would send me a letter with anthrax?” Tony demands as he’s scrubbing down.

“Pick a girl, Tony! Any girl!” Kate fires back.

Tony ignores her and laments the loss of his suit. The thought crosses his mind that his wife _ would _ be the first to send him anthrax, but he immediately dismisses the thought - she would never send it where it could harm bystanders… and the lipstick color was wrong.

He ends up on a tangent about honey dust. “You apply it with a feather.”

Kate chuckles. “You don’t use the whole chicken?”

“Only when my wife asks nicely.” Tony snarks back.

***

“Can you read this missive, Ducky?” Gibbs asks impatiently.

“Oh yes, it’s perfectly legible.” Ducky confirms.

“Um, I think he means read it out loud.” Abby says.

Ducky gets to “genetically altered Y. pestis” and he and Abby stare at each other in horror.

“Which is Latin for what?” Gibbs demands.

“Plague,” Ducky answers.

***

Tony starts rambling on about movies, absently flirting with the nurse to keep his mind off how pissed his family is going to be when they find out about this. He’s under no delusions they won’t find out.

***

Abby’s mind flies into overdrive and it’s not until she’s arguing with Gibbs about the difference between vegans and vegetarians that she has a bit of an epiphany. “Shit.”

“What?” Gibbs nearly growls.

Abby startles. “Should we call Tony’s family?” She asks quietly.

Gibbs immediately softens. “Not yet. Not until we know.”

Abby smirks. “You’re just worried she’ll stab you if you scare her for nothing.”

“Aren’t you?” Gibbs challenges.

When they get the confirmation Tony’s been infected, Abby goes straight for the phone.

“Thank you, Thing." She hears a lilting voice in the background before it addresses her directly. "Hello, Addams’ residence, this is Mrs. Addams.”

“Morticia, it’s Abby.”

“Abigail, darling! How lovely to hear your voice!”

Abby flinches. “I wish I was calling just to chat.”

“Is something the matter, dear?”

“Is Wednesday home?”

“Of course. I think she’s down in the cave.”

“She needs to get here.”

“Whatever fo- oh dear, has something happened to darling Antonio?”

“Plague,” Abby answers tersely.

“Oh,” Morticia sighs. “How archaic. Some people have no taste.” Her voice muffles momentarily. “Lurch! Get the car, please! She’ll be there quick as Lurch can drive, dear.”

Abby eyes the readings on her screen, the one that’s linked to Tony’s monitors at Bethesda. “Tell him to drive fast.”

She only puts up a token protest when Gibbs demands she irradiates the letter and gets it out to examine.

***

Tony absently notes Dr. Pitt coming back in and turning the mic to the contamination room off. He tilts his head, acting like he’s not paying attention, but listening carefully.

“All the blood cultures came back negative except for Special Agent DiNozzo’s. He’s infected with Y. pestis.”

Tony bites his tongue to keep himself from demanding that someone call his wife. He doesn’t have an explanation beyond some abnormalities in his family genepool that he doesn’t want explored for how he could have heard the good doctor. Besides, if the hospital knows, NCIS knows, and if NCIS knows, Abby and Gibbs know how to reach his family.

***

Tony knows Kate’s staying for his sake, and kind of hates himself for letting her, but he also doesn’t want to be alone, and knows he can protect her - it’s gonna hurt like hell to let the fucking plague eat away at him without breathing it out, though. He grins. Small mercies.

***

Gibbs and Cassie storm their way up to up to the bitch’s office and when he realizes she’s dying, he wishes viscerally that Tony’s family was here already - if anyone could scare a dying woman into cooperating, it would be them.

He goes for the hospital as soon as he finds out about the suicide chain.

“You will _ not _ die,” he orders DiNozzo. “I don’t want to deal with your wife bringing you back if you do.”

The headslap and the mention of his wife seem to bring him back to some sort of awareness. “I gotcha, boss.”

***

“Can I sleep here?” Kate asks.

Dr. Pitt grins. “As long as you don’t give Tony that cold.”

“This reminds me of the end of _ Alien_,” Tony rasps as she lays down.

She can’t help but chuckle.

When she wakes up, she hears an unfamiliar voice alongside Tony’s rasp. Kate slits her eyes open. There’s a woman perched on the edge of his bed, a disapproving frown on her pale face. A single braid runs down her back and with the way she’s dressed, Kate might have assumed it was Abby if the woman wasn’t so petite. She’s wearing a high necked lace dress with a skirt that flares lightly around her legs, along with dark tights and scuffed black combat boots. Barring her being Abby, Kate would’ve guessed she was more Abby’s type than Tony’s, but she looks very certain of her spot next to the notorious playboy. She also has a _ massive _ black diamond on her left hand.

Tony looks up at the woman and groans. "I recognize that to look, Wen. You are _ not _ calling Embooboo.”

"Mbogo," ‘Wen’ corrects. "And I believe the saying _ beggars can't be choosers _ would apply here."

Tony snorts, then winces. "Tell ya what, you get him to leave the jungle and I'll let him try whatever the hell he wants."

The woman rests a hand against his feverish forehead. "I brought tea, but they wouldn't let me bring it in."

"_Tesoro _, you'd best hope they don't test that tea of yours for anything. They'll arrest you if they do."

She squeezes his hand tightly. "It's really not fair of you to speak Italian to me while you're so ill. Besides, it's just a bit of henbane."

Tony's lips quirk. "Of all the traits you could have picked up from your father, it had to be his language kink."

She lifts a bow imperiously. "You've certainly never complained."

Kate decides it’s probably a good idea to ‘wake up’ while the conversation is still PG. "What the hell, DiNozzo? Can't keep it in your pants even in quarantine?"

The woman turns a glare on her that actually makes Kate recoil a bit. Dark eyes catalogue her critically before turning back to Tony. "One of the Ignorants?"

Tony grunts something vaguely affirmative sounding.

"Shall I enlighten her?"

Tony just shrugs lightly, clearly tiring.

The woman rolls her eyes. "Honestly, _ mon cher_, I need an actual answer."

"Tell her," Tony manages to croak. 

Wednesday smooths her husband's hair back from his face as he drifts off into a restless sleep. She turns back to the other agent. "Caitlin, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry, have we met?"

Wednesday frowns. "No, but Antonio speaks of you often."

"I can't say he's ever mentioned you."

"No, he wouldn't, would he? The delusion that I am safer if people don't know about me placates him so nicely."

The door whooshes open and Jethro walks in. “He’s not wrong, though, is he?” He stops by Tony’s bed and opens his arms.

Wednesday _ almost _ smiles and stands to accept the embrace. “Jethro.”

Kate gapes when Gibbs not only _ offers _ the stranger a hug, but the woman kisses his cheek.

“How is he?” Gibbs asks as he releases the woman.

She smirks. “He says you ordered him not to die.”

Gibbs shrugs unrepentantly. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“He follows orders well.”

Gibbs smirks. “Most of the time.”

The woman reaches out and squeezes his hand. “Thank you.”

Kate clears her throat. “Anyone going to introduce me?”

“Kate, Wednesday. Wednesday, Kate.” Gibbs answers.

“And Wednesday is?”

“DiNozzo’s wife.”

Kate’s pretty sure the open and shut routine her mouth does is great resemblance of fish.

“I think you broke her, Jethro,” Wednesday observes.

Gibbs shrugs. “Most of our coworkers buy the mask.”

Wednesday frowns. “Shame.”

“Mask?” Kate almost shouts. “What mask?! I’ve seen the women, heard the phone calls and messages.”

Gibbs tilts his head. “You’ve read Tony’s jacket?”

Kate nods slowly.

“And you really think the guy who’s technically still the heir apparent of the mobster he put in prison can’t make the handful of people he sees on a daily basis think he’s some sort of lady’s man?”

The look on Kate’s face indicates some sort of epiphany, and Wednesday grabs Antonio’s phone to snap a picture - she’s sure he’ll appreciate it later. “Tony’s married?”

Gibbs smirks. “It was a lovely ceremony… if a bit odd.”

Wednesday rolls her eyes. “You _ have _ met my family, Jethro.”

Kate holds up a hand. “Wait. Wednesday… Wendy?”

“She’s catching up.”

“I thought Wendy - _ you _ \- left him at the altar.”

Wednesday's eyes gleam in amusement. “Is that how he tells it?”

***

_ “Oh, where is he?” Morticia frets. “He wouldn’t leave you at the crypt, would he?” She peeks out the door of the mausoleum, glancing toward the arch set up under a lovely barren tree at the center of the cemetery, surrounded by their chattering family. “Antonio is nowhere in sight… neither are any of his guests, for that matter.” _

_ “Mother!” Wednesday chastises. “He’ll be here. Help me with my veil.” _

_ Morticia turns. “Oh, darling.” Wednesday’s black, long sleeved lace gown cuts daringly down the front under a lace overlay with an open back and a form fitting skirt with a slight train. “You look absolutely ravishing. Antonio is going to be beside himself.” _

_ “If the cad ever shows up!” Gomez bursts, pacing. “I shall slit him from neck to navel! Standing _ my _ daughter up! I’ll show him what happens when you wrong an Addams! I’ll-” _

_ Pugsley and Fester burst in. “I found him!” _

_ Gomez pulls a sword off the wall. “Show me the fiend!” _

_ “Father!” Wednesday protests. “Pugsley, where is he?” _

_ Pugsley snickers. “He thought you meant the wedding was _ in _ the church.” _

_ Wednesday frowns. “Why on earth would I mean that when there’s such a lovely cemetery on the property?” _

_ Morticia’s eyes go comically wide. “A church sanctuary, honestly! Wednesday, darling, are you sure he’s the right one for you?” _

_ “Mother!” _

_ Morticia holds her hands up in surrender. “Very well. Uncle Fester, everything is sorted now, I trust?” _

_ Fester jerks a thumb over her shoulder. “Lurch is bringing everyone out now.” _

_ Morticia peeks out again and smiles at the sight of Lurch carrying Antonio up the aisle and depositing him under the archway, a crowd of people trailing behind them, looking utterly confused. _

_ “This looks like a funeral,” she hears one young man mutter as he passes. _

_ She smiles. “Oh what a lovely compliment!” She turns to Wednesday. “One of dear Antonio’s guests just said he thought this was a funeral!” She reaches forward to adjust Wednesday’s veil one final time. _

_ Gomez offers his arm to their daughter. “Ready, dear one?” _

***

“When’s Tony coming back again?” McGee asks.

“Next week,” Gibbs answers as he exits the elevator.

“I heard he was going to be back today,” Kate says.

Tony steps out of the elevator behind Gibbs. “Ball and chain is making me take my whole sick leave.”

Kate raises an eyebrow. “She know you call her that?”

Tony grins. “Sure does. She won’t even let me drive. Made the butler chauffeur me all the way from Jersey!”

“Jersey? Wait, why are you here if you’re not back until next week?”

“Final incident debrief,” Gibbs answers. “Director’s orders. Everyone to the conference room.”

“DiNozzo, your coffee is smoking,” Kate gestures to the black steel tumbler in the senior agent’s hand.

Tony salutes her with the mug before taking an exaggerated swig. “Tea, actually. Henbane and arsenic. Wen insists it’ll strengthen my lungs.”

Kate rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

Debrief turns into the whole team being trapped in the conference all day with the director, a postal worker, and a CDC representative, and turning a two-dead-Marines case over to another team while they review and revamp the agency’s policies on responding to a biological attack.

Halfway through, Tony is banging his head against the conference room table. “Why do _ we _ have to do this, again?”

Gibbs head-slaps him with the folder in his hand. “Because, DiNozzo, we were on the front lines of it.”

Tony groans. “Yeah, yeah, best placed to see the holes in the current response procedures.”

McGee rolls his eyes. “Missing a lunch date?”

“As a matter of fact, McNosy, _ yes_.”

Kate looks up from the notepad she’s scribbling on and winces, almost in sympathy. “Is she gonna castrate you for missing a date?”

Tony grimaces. “Fortunately, she’s a little too fond of that part of my anatomy to damage it.”

Gibbs rolls his eyes. “DiNozzo, call her. Tell her you’ll have to do dinner instead, then get your ass back in here.”

An hour later, one of the girls from HR knocks on the door and pokes her head in. “Sorry to interrupt, but I need Special Agent DiNozzo’s signature on a few forms.”

The director waves her in absently.

Gibbs looks over his second’s shoulder unrepentantly. “Change of address?”

Tony shrugs. “Wen decided I can’t be left to my own devices.”

Gibbs raises an eyebrow. “She’s moving here?”

Tony nods. “Thought her dad was gonna have a heart attack when she said she was leaving Jersey. Refuses to live in my apartment, though. Said it’s too bright. Found some drafty old manor in Woodlea she fell in love with, though.”

Gibbs snorts.

McGee looks at Kate. “Wait, is Tony actually _ moving in _ with a woman?”

“Typically a thing people do when they’re married, McGeek,” Tony answers.

McGee winces. “Uh, didn’t realize you could hear m- wait, did you just say _ married_?”

“Yes, McParrot, married.”

McGee snorts. “Yeah, like I believe that.”

“Gossip later, work now,” Gibbs barks.

***

When they finally emerge from the conference room, Tony isn’t even remotely surprised to find Wednesday standing at the bottom of stairs talking to Jimmy. He sidles down to the bottom of the stairs and wraps his arms around her waist, dropping a kiss just below her ear when the collar of her dress obscures his access to her neck. “Hello, _ stellina_. Sorry I missed lunch.”

Wednesday shudders against him. “I’m sure you’ll make it up to me, _ mon cher_.”

“Cross my heart.”

“Wednesday,” Gibbs greets with an actual smile.

Wednesday extricates herself from Tony’s arms and goes up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Jethro.”

“Wednesday!” Abby barrels down the stairs and into the smaller woman.

Wednesday accepts the exuberant hug with grace before stepping back into Tony’s space. Tony tugs her back into him and wraps a loose arm around her waist. “Done for the day, boss?”

Gibbs nods. “Take her home, DiNozzo. And I don’t want to see you again until next week.”

Wednesday frowns. “I was going to invite you all to dinner. I finally found the box Grandmama packed all the brandy in. And one of Father’s cigar indian’s was delivered today.”

Ducky smiles broadly. “Come my friend, it would simply be rude to turn down the quality of brandy this young woman offers.”

Gibbs grins back. “You got a bottle for Christmas, too?”

Ducky nods. “Absolutely exquisite, wasn’t it?”

Tony grins and kisses Wednesday’s temple. “She always is.”

Gibbs rolls his eyes at Tony and nods to Wednesday. “We’ll be there.”

Tony grins. “I’ll text you the address.”

Gibbs gives him a look.

Tony rolls his eyes and extricated himself from Wednesday, going to his desk to scrawl their address out on a piece of paper. “Kate, McDisbelief, you guys can come too. Duck, drag your autopsy gremlin out of the basement and bring him along. Abs, wanna catch a ride home with us?”

Abby’s face lights up. “Is Lurch here?”

Wednesday nods. “Mother and Father sent him along to help me get the house in order. He’s out in the car.”

Abby bounces and claps happily. “I’ll grab my purse!”

***

“Hey, Wen!” Tony calls from living room.

“Yes, _ mon cher_?” Wednesday answers from the kitchen.

“Uh… I don’t know how to say this politely.”

Wednesday wanders out, wiping her hands on the apron around her waist. “Then don’t be polite.”

“_Tesoro_, being rude to you usually ends with your father threatening to gut me or you putting me on the rack.”

Wednesday’s lips quirk and she leans over to kiss him. “You say that like you don’t enjoy it.”

Tony snorts, absently running his fingers across the keys of his baby grand. “Fair. Okay, so, uh, whatever you’re making for dinner… maybe don’t actually tell anyone what it is.”

Wednesday rolls her eyes. “I made Grandmama’s yak stew. You are more than welcome to tell your colleagues that it’s something like beef or venison.”

“Wen! Stew’s boiling over!” Abby’s voice come from the kitchen.”

“Coming!” Wednesday calls back.

Tony smiles as she hurries back toward the kitchen. “You’re the best, _ stellina_!”

Wednesday comes back and tugs him far enough out from the piano to settle herself on his lap and kiss him deeply. He grins against her lips.

“No Italian when we have company,” she chastises.

“No promises.”

**Author's Note:**

> Alright ya'll, Tiva is my OTP. That being said, in this universe, they never even meet - another team ends up taking the Ari case and Ziva never joins the MCRT.


End file.
